I have been struggling to find a way to start this post for the last month. It’s so hard to pick up where you’ve left off when you left a while ago.
I want to start by apologizing for my absence. I never want to appear flaky or like I did’t mean what I said when I wrote about no longer being afraid. I definitely meant every word of that post and though it wasn’t long ago, it feels like its been a lifetime.
This past season has brought me so much heartbreak, joy, love, and hurt, more than any other time in my life.
Last September, I committed to posting on this blog consistently and really giving it a chance. Its something I feel so called to do. Of course when we are called to something there is almost always a struggle involved, am I right? Come the beginning of October I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. While this autoimmune disease is not the worst possible diagnosis, it was certainly a big deal for me. There are so many uncertainties that come with it. Cutting out gluten was the easy part, but there are tons of associated risks I didn’t know about like being prone to aggressive cancers, infertility and neurological disorders. Like I said, it’s honestly not the worst diagnosis by any means, but it was still a hard pill to swallow.
A month later in November, I went through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. While my husband was across the country for work, our house was broken into. Not just broken into, but in fact there was a man standing in my closet while I slept. By God’s grace I was protected and physically unharmed, but emotionally this did a number on me as I saw my life flash before my eyes. In just the blink of an eye, I had gone from being so happy and content in our little town home to feeling like I didn’t have a place to call home. The material things that were taken were nothing in comparison to the sense of safety that was so quickly stripped from me. This left me feeling so raw and vulnerable. This portion of the story is still developing as the police investigation is ongoing, but I am diligently praying that it is resolved soon.
In the wake of that trauma and moving, my husband was switching jobs. This may not seem like a huge deal, but with everything else going on, we couldn’t really handle much more on our plates.
After settling into our new place (which took some time), I began to really crack down on the job hunt. If you don’t know, I am a licensed esthetician. I absolutely love my field, but it is hard to find the right position. After months of job hunting (which is a job in itself) the Lord blessed me with an opportunity. Though this is just a stepping stone in the grand plan of what God has for me, this job has given me a renewed sense of purpose and motivation, which I desperately needed.
This season has taught me so much. At first I found myself angry, wondering “why me?” I started recounting all of my past traumas and dwelling on them. I looked back and my life and felt like everything had gone wrong and nothing was good.
This is where God got a hold of my heart. Sometimes he just reveals things to you in an inexplicable way. He reminded me that in all circumstances he has fiercely protected me. Last year I really started to discover my identity in Christ and prayed that he would just draw me nearer to him, that life would be less of me and more of him, and that I would be content in all situations. Lightbulb. The Lord just revealed to me in the most loving way, that everything is for my good. He was giving me what I asked for by allowing these situations to occur, nothing was ever out of his control.
When I felt like I didn’t have a safe place to call home he said “My heart is your home loved one, I will keep you safe.” When I felt vulnerable and exposed he said “I will cover you with my feathers, you will find refuge under my wings” When I felt alone and afraid he said “I will never leave you or abandon you, you have nothing to fear” When I felt like I didn’t know what to pray for anymore he said “I am praying for you”
I am so grateful for the God who never gives up me, who loves me beyond measure when I feel unloved, and who pursues me and always welcomes me back with open arms.
I hope this post doesn’t seem too random, but it’s what was on my heart. I still feel called to write and have big plans for this blog. I am hoping to post at least every Saturday, but who knows what life will bring? Always know I will do the best I can to keep you updated on what’s going on. Thank you for having grace with me.
You are fiercely loved,